#186. DON’T defend dishwashers.
The problem I have with dishwashers is that dishes have to be clean before they can actually wash them. Other than that, they’re great! And while I swear at them, other people swear by them, calling them timesavers, lifesavers, water-savers even! Bollocks. Dishwashers are dumb. But you can’t say that to some people; some people [...]
Continue Reading#185. DON’T save for a rainy day.
Save for a sunny one instead, they’re heaps more fun. Squirrelling away cash isn’t easy to do, so when it comes time to cash in your cash, you’ll get more bang for your bucks if you spend them somewhere hot and sunny; somewhere a million miles away from your desk; somewhere nice and peaceful, within [...]
Continue Reading#184. DON’T look back in anger. And 19 other old songs that are better than any of today’s Top 20.
19. Just Like Honey – The Jesus and Mary Chain 18. Taillights Fade – Buffalo Tom 17. 1979 – The Smashing Pumpkins 16. Mr E’s Beautiful Blues – The Eels 15. Laid – James 14. The Drugs Don’t Work – The Verve 13. Here Comes Your Man – Pixies 12. Stolen Car – Bruce Springsteen [...]
Continue Reading#183. DON’T keep up with the Joneses.
The Joneses could be those annoying neighbours, those cashed-up colleagues or those better-dressed friends. They seem to have what we all want way before any of us can afford to get it. What’s that, you just bought a pool? Well the Joneses just installed an in-ground saltwater lap pool, which makes your pool look like [...]
Continue Reading#182. DON’T leave ‘Private Browsing’ on your computer.
If you use Safari to surf the Internet you might be familiar with the Private Browsing option available. This is a nice way for Safari to say ‘Go ahead, watch some porn, have a little wank, we won’t tell anybody.’ When private browsing is on, your searches aren’t recorded in your computer’s history, meaning you [...]
Continue Reading#181. DON’T stop and smell the roses. Plant some.
Forget therapy, self-help books and early morning yoga classes. If you really want to take some time-out and turn over a new leaf, then get in the garden amongst some real ones. Whether it’s planting or pruning, watering or weeding, mowing or growing, fertilising or feeding, you’ll feel a lot better inside, when you’re not, [...]
Continue Reading#180. DON’T play an encore.
I’m over the band encore. Just play the extra three songs, guys. Or maybe, if you spent the time you went off stage, staying on stage, you could fit in four songs! You’re not fooling anyone by the way; we know if the lights don’t come up, that you’re coming back on. So just save [...]
Continue Reading#179. DON’T call your new girlfriend your old girlfriend’s name.
This is easy for a guy to do, and hard for a girl to forget. There’s the obvious excuse if the relationship is new, and you’ve just come off a long-termer, but after, say, six months, you should really know your Lucys from your Lindas. But just because you should, doesn’t mean even the best [...]
Continue Reading#178. DON’T draw the Mona Lisa in my coffee foam.
I don’t go to cafés for an art class; I go to café’s for a coffee fix. So save yourself the time and effort it takes to draw the Mona Lisa on my laté, Mr Barista Man. I’m not judging you on your ability to draw, just your ability to make coffee. Share:
Continue Reading#177. DON’T bother with Google+.
I’m drawing an online line in the sand, or should that be in cyberspace? You see, I’ve virtually stretched myself about as far as I can virtually go. Facebook? Tick. Twitter? Tick. LinkedIn, Tick, Instagram? Tick. And of course, this blog you’re reading now. That’s about all I’ve got in me. So when something like [...]
Continue Reading#176. DON’T read the instructions.
Instructions and I aren’t on the same page. Not just because they’re usually written by robots, then translated into a one-language-fits all manual of numbers, figures and diagrams, but just because, well, I like to do things myself – at least try to before I fail anyway. Whether I’m hooking up a hi-fi, assembling a [...]
Continue Reading#175. DON’T get a dog that’s smaller than a rabbit.
Man’s best friend shouldn’t fit in man’s right hand. If it does than you really haven’t got a dog at all. You’ve got a guinea pig with a collar. Share:
Continue Reading#174. DON’T take yes for an answer.
A lot of people will say yes to you, to be nice to you, because they’re your friend or your mum, your mate or your brother, or even your boss. They’ll say yes to you because they’re thinking that’s what you want to hear, or maybe they just want you out of their office because [...]
Continue Reading#173. DON’T fall asleep on the train, on my shoulder.
Catching the train to work – knowing that work is going to be hard work – it’s easy to feel that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Naturally, the last thing you need is a few extra kilos of wet chin skin or chubby cheek fat to add to that weight. If you’re [...]
Continue Reading#172. DON’T buy a McMansion in the middle of McNowhere.
Suburbs scare me. Not old suburbs with cute shopping strips, established trees and character-filled houses, but new suburbs – substandard suburbs – built without a plan, without supporting infrastructure and without it seems any care for the poor sods who are forced to live there. Sure, these sub-suburbs give you a lake to walk around [...]
Continue Reading#171. DON’T laugh at jokes you don’t get.
Laughing is harder to fake than an orgasm, so unless you’re a professional laughing teacher of one of those weird Kum ba yah laughing groups, I suggest you don’t attempt the forced cackle. Just own up to the fact that you didn’t get the joke and get the hell out of there. Who knows, maybe [...]
Continue Reading#170. DON’T dress up like Lance Armstrong just to ride in the Tour de work.
I’ve got nothing against cyclists, but I do wonder why some get all dressed up in their lycra suits only to ride all of about 5kms to work. It seems a lot of effort to go to to not go very far. By all means, don the yellow jersey and pack your dick and balls [...]
Continue Reading#169. DON’T serve an odd number of tapas to an even number of people.
Odds are you don’t have dinner with an odd number of people. Sure there are those times when the 3rd and 5th wheel are welcome, but most likely you sit around a restaurant table of two, four or six. This being the case, I find it a bit frustrating that a lot of tapas plates, [...]
Continue Reading#168. DON’T have a shit screensaver on your computer.
The screensaver you put on your computer is just like the t-shirt you put on yourself – you have to make sure it fits who you are, and tells the world what you want to tell it – so you better choose something good. It requires a bit of thought, as it’s your only chance [...]
Continue Reading#167. DON’T use lip balm.
If you start using lip balm, you’ll never bloody stop. Seriously there’s something in that shit that makes your lips drier than they were before you thought they needed some lubricating loving. It’s a viscous cycle of apply, dry, reapply, apply, dry, reapply, apply, dry, reapply. The makers of lip balms are legal drug pushers; [...]
Continue Reading- #186. DON’T defend dishwashers.
- #185. DON’T save for a rainy day.
- #184. DON’T look back in anger. And 19 other old songs that are better than any of today’s Top 20.
- #183. DON’T keep up with the Joneses.
- #182. DON’T leave ‘Private Browsing’ on your computer.
- #181. DON’T stop and smell the roses. Plant some.
- #180. DON’T play an encore.
- #179. DON’T call your new girlfriend your old girlfriend’s name.
- #178. DON’T draw the Mona Lisa in my coffee foam.
- #177. DON’T bother with Google+.
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Zoiey: My children normally take care of putting in and t...
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Sarah: The Jones' would have a super-duper-wash-a-50-sitt...
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Sarah: The Jones' would have a super-duper-wash-a-50-sitt...
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miranda.bridgeford: You took the words right out of my mouth!...
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Allison: I'm still laughing at the title alone! Soooo funny...
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