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#220. Don’t raise your kids to be mini yous. Raise them to be big thems.

4 Comments 13 February 2014

I thought I’d succeeded in grooming—ok, brainwashing—my now five-year-old son, Harry to follow the same football team as I do.  I’d bought him the Collingwood jumper, taken him to some games, and late last year, even bought him a membership for the upcoming season. Everything was going to my ‘like-father-like-son’ plan until one day Harry [...]

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#219. Don’t live every day like it’s your last. Live it like it’s your first.

15 Comments 26 November 2013

If you lived every day like it’s your last day, you’d be one big, sad, sobbing, sniffing mess, thinking of all the people you’d be leaving behind and all the stuff you were yet to do. You’d spend every day in bed cradling a box of Kleenex, feeling terribly sorry for yourself. Better choice is [...]

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#218. Don’t take a photo with your iPad.

6 Comments 07 November 2013

Technology is supposed to make things easier and the people who use it look cooler; more cutting edge. Taking a photo with you iPad fails on both counts. Your iPad—as awesome as it is—isn’t exactly compact, so when you stop in a busy city street and frame up your shot, you don’t just block half [...]

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#217. Don’t be cruel at school.

12 Comments 17 September 2013

Don’t tease the redheaded kid with glasses. Don’t ridicule your overweight Geography teacher. Don’t poke fun at the girl with pimples. Don’t call the handicapped kid names. Don’t snigger at the boy who talks funny or laugh at the girl who wet her pants in class. Don’t pick on the kid who can’t kick, or [...]

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#216. Don’t Donkey Vote.

2 Comments 29 August 2013

So you think Abbott’s a dickhead, Rudd’s a wanker, Catter is senile, Palmer is delusional and Christine Milne looks like your aunty? Well, even if you hate all the candidates in this year’s Australian election, just vote for the one you hate the least.  Or, if you’re so disappointed with the quality of candidates, maybe [...]

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#215. Don’t leave home without a last look in the mirror.

13 Comments 18 June 2013

Chances are, there will be something wrong with you—something that needs some attention, before it attracts some attention. There will be a pimple that needs popping, a hair that needs plucking, or as in my case this morning, some brekky that needs removing from some teeth that seem to have a magnetic pull to all [...]

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#214. DON’T buy the cheapest bottle of wine on the wine list.

1 Comment 04 June 2013

Or the 2nd cheapest either. Buy the 3rd cheapest bottle as it gives the illusion you’re choosing your plonk with your palate, not your wallet.

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#213. DON’T ‘CC’ me in on everything.

3 Comments 09 May 2013

I reckon that at least half the emails in inboxes all around the world are unnecessary ‘Carbon Copy’ emails, or as I like to call them, ‘Complete Crap’ emails. The CC email isn’t written to you, it’s just sent to you by someone who feels the need to tell you what they want to tell [...]

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#212. DON’T leave an itch unscratched.

18 Comments 06 February 2013

Everyone’s got something inside them ticking away, something knocking on the back of the brain, tugging at their subconscious for attention. Everybody’s got something they want to do, learn, try or change. Everybody’s go an itch. An itch that won’t go away until it gets scratched. For some people, that itch might be that round-the-world [...]

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#211. Don’t sell Easter Eggs a week after Christmas.

7 Comments 08 January 2013

Easter is almost three months away — 82 days away to be precise! Which means, in 81 days time, I’ll venture down to the shops and buy some chocolate eggs and bunnies, ready to hide around the yard on Easter Sunday morning for my 4-year-old kid to find. I will not buy them now, just [...]

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#210. DON’T drink orange juice too soon after cleaning your teeth.

10 Comments 19 December 2012

It just tastes really disgusting — really yuk. Screw up your mouth and squint your eyes yuk; rather drink warm horse piss yuk; cold bathtub water filtered through a dirty sponge yuk; snake blood with a shot of battery acid yuk. Well maybe not that yuk, but you know what I mean.

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#209. DON’T worry.

35 Comments 21 November 2012

The sun will come up tomorrow. The pimple on your forehead will fade away by the weekend. Your business card will sound more impressive in a couple of years. The person you met at the bar will call you, or at least text you anyway. Your bum doesn’t look big in that dress. People will come [...]

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#208. DON’T air-kiss.

8 Comments 12 November 2012

You never see two guys greeting each other with an air-shake or an air-hi-five, so what’s with the air-smooch? If you’re going to kiss someone, kiss them: on the cheek, on the lips, or even go all Prince Charles and kiss them on the hand if you want, but please don’t kiss the empty air [...]

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#207. DON’T put burnt matches back in the matchbox.

4 Comments 23 October 2012

After you’ve lit a matchstick, all you are left with is the stick bit. Sure, it’s possible to rub two sticks together to start a fire, but not two sticks the size of toothpicks!  So with no fire-lighting ability left in the match, why then would anybody put it back in the matchbox amongst the [...]

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#206. DON’T forget old flames.

19 Comments 09 October 2012

When you break up and move on from someone, you move all the thoughts, feelings and photos you have of them (and the odd item of clothing they left at your joint) to the side. Somewhere out of sight, and hopefully out of mind. I guess you try to quickly un-know that person you used [...]

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#205. DON’T make stickers so sticky that you can’t peel them off.

5 Comments 27 September 2012

I bought a book the other day and the first thing I did when I got it home was take the price sticker off—well attempt to take it off at least. After much picking, scraping and rubbing, all I managed to do was turn a neat sticker into a sticky mess of white crap. Even [...]

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#204. DON’T keep the clear protective film your phone comes with on your phone.

3 Comments 14 September 2012

I can understand people wanting to keep their new things new, but leaving the plastic film that protects your phone’s screen in the box, on you phone after you’ve taken it out of the box is going a bit too far.

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#203. DON’T fall in love with a stripper.

6 Comments 11 September 2012

I haven’t been to too many strip clubs, but on almost every occasion I have, one of my mates—usually the most pissed one—actually believed the hot girl he was paying pineapples to talk to, was actually really interested in him as a person and not just as a human ATM. Under the spell of overpriced [...]

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#202. DON’T make the tent bag half the size of the tent.

1 Comment 03 September 2012

The first time you take a tent out of its bag is the last time that that tent ever fits nicely back into it. I don’t know if there’s a worldwide shortage of synthetic material or whether it’s just one massive in-joke that tent manufacturers have agreed upon, but it gives me, and millions of [...]

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#201. DON’T grow up.

28 Comments 16 August 2012

I still dip my finger in the peanut butter jar, still lick the wooden spoon clean of cake mix and still pretend I’m Peter Daicos whenever I’m kicking the football. I still get excited at Christmas time, still do bombs into pools, and if society would let me, I’d still peg footy cards in my [...]

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